I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.