Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
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I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)