TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
*gets down on one knee*
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
What?