5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
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My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.