Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
You Might Also Like
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!