Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
You Might Also Like
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?