Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
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And that about sums it up.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*puts words between two asterisks*
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
oh good, now I can stop drinking
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces