@phaggots

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”

OMG THIS IS SO ME

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@Sassafrantz

The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.

@sad_tree

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

@InternetHippo

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

@pilau

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

@animaldrumss

You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you

@TheRolo

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

@realHamOnWry

As you grow older you’ll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don’t worry … it’s just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.

@AnnietheNanny1

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

@Tups13

You don’t have to own a dog to carry a bag of poo around in public. Literally anyone can do it.