Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
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Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good