@markydoodoo

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

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@rickolantern

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

@ThaJawn

Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?

Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

@WilliamAder

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

@scarebro

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

@ObscureGent

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

@KenJennings

REAL ’90s kids will recognize this! —> Current unemployment.

@notxzibit

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

@debon7

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

@LoveNLunchmeat

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

@sophielou

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”