TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

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Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …


Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?

Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..


Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.


My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.


If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.


REAL ’90s kids will recognize this! —> Current unemployment.


Google search history:

Is there a j in marawana
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet


I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke


Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.


[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):