@markydoodoo

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

- @markydoodoo

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@Drivelodeon

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

@heymonroe

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

@batkaren

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

@notittryagain

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

@jazmasta

They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.

@batkaren

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

@dxblarssonENG

Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back:

1. He’s just not that into you
2. He’s imaginary
3. He’s a cat

@michelleDbelle

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

@Home_Halfway

[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t

@Dildo_Hitler

*sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart*
“hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?”
“YES. AISLE B, BACK”