TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”