Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.