@lisaxy424

teenage me: why do old people like birds so much lol like get a cooler hobby nerds

me now: THAT ONE IS A RED HOUSE FINCH AND OH LISTEN YOU CAN HEAR THE NORTHERN FLICKER OVER THERE HEY LOOK THE GRACKLES ARE BACK

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@BCMontgo

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

@daddydoubts

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

@iGreenMonk

My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.

@samalmightysam

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

@juliussharpe

“The Great Gatsby” is an awesome book about a rich guy who can’t get laid.

@KeetPotato

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

@ClichedOut

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?