Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
teenage me: why do old people like birds so much lol like get a cooler hobby nerds
me now: THAT ONE IS A RED HOUSE FINCH AND OH LISTEN YOU CAN HEAR THE NORTHERN FLICKER OVER THERE HEY LOOK THE GRACKLES ARE BACK
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
“The Great Gatsby” is an awesome book about a rich guy who can’t get laid.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Follow your instincts, into the path of a moving train.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?