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Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.