Teenage Mutant African Mammals


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[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!


*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil


Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.


I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.


You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.


Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Me: Oh.


Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.


I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.


Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.