@JulianGoldstein
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@TweetPotato314
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
@Rollmaninoz
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
@leslid79
Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.
@carychowESPN
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
@Donna_McCoy
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
@Tups13
Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: Oh.
@Darlainky
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
@Contwixt
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
@poutinesmoothie
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.