Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
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twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: how are you?
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry