Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
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Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
It’s been 3 years and my golden retriever has yet to retrieve any gold at all. 0 stars.
Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.
Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”