Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.


Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.


teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong


It’s been 3 years and my golden retriever has yet to retrieve any gold at all. 0 stars.


Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.


Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”


*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*


Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.


If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.


Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”