Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
You Might Also Like
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
They did not miss in the small print
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
*launders Kohls cash*
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.