@beefman138

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

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@kevinrowe1

Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?

@bIondiewasabi

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

@junejuly12

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

@awesomeseank

My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.

@JayTuvz

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

@_SetTheHook_

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

@daddydoubts

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

@blade_funner

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry