@suzannemariedo

Teenaged Shark: *opening lunch box* ughh not peanut butter and jellyfish AGAIN

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@Carbosly

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

@BlindChow

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

@dumbbeezie

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

@CopBroughtPizza

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

@TodaysResume

During your interview, try ending every sentence with “dot jpg”.

“How would you say you handle job pressure?”

–Not a problem.jpg

@BeingDBEAST

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

@TheDizzyBeauty

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

@SkinnieTalls

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

@Contwixt

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”