Teenaged Shark: *opening lunch box* ughh not peanut butter and jellyfish AGAIN

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*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*


i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task


Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac


Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.


my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me


Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!


My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.


Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.


[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*