@suzannemariedo

Teenaged Shark: *opening lunch box* ughh not peanut butter and jellyfish AGAIN

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@PajamaBenLaden

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

@rxysurfchic

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

@KissabiX

Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac

@UncleDuke1969

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

@dril

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

@djdarrellripley

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

@badbanana

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

@skickwriter

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*