teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
lmfao come on
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.