[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE