@better_off_dad

Teenagers are just human karma.

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@chrisrockoz

You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

@heapsOhate

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

@AbbyHasIssues

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

@jonnysun

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

@PhilJamesson

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”TitaniumToplass”;s:5:”image”;s:66:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1616803443/photobomb_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”319661105335115779″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”58″;s:5:”tweet”;s:100:”Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.