Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
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COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
This meeting could have been a cake
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?