teenagers are like ‘here to live well not to live long :)’ yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe

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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched


“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”



*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”


Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.


Once bitten, twice shy.
Except if you were bitten by a shark. Then you might be dead, and shyness won’t be an issue.


If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.


Golf, except there’s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.


Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.


Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.


Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact


Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please