Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
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impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
HOW DARE YOU
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again