“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Become ungovernable.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.