Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

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I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”


The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.


ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857


Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?


If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.


Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays


[ouija board]
“shh its working”
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”


My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.


Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.