Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
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so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be