@SuMacDan

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

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@thedad

I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”

@myonlymizztake

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

@sannewman

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

@ingmarbirdman

If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.

@baseballchickie

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

@jonnysun

[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

@notmythirdrodeo

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.