Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
How dramatic are you?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour