At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
#DesignFail
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my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…