teens don’t realize how privileged they are to have these smartphones. it used to be you’d have to read shampoo ingredients on the toilet but now with the phones you can just snap a pic of the bottle and read them wherever

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Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?


everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France


I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.


I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do


Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked



*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn


Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.


I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.


I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.