the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
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sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I’m being attacked 😭
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs