Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
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when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?