Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
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(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Sniffing the broccoli
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.