Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
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Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.