@PsstCaptain

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

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@NickSwardson

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

@Mr_Kapowski

Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake

@thepaulahunt

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

@topaz006

Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.

@MadamBetteNoire

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

@david8hughes

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

@TheyCallMeMaaaa

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”