Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
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Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
My dog: if that helps
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
so weird how every mom was born today
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G1: “and it stinks”