Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

You Might Also Like


God: you’re a unicorn.

Unicorn: lmao corn?

God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.

Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!


Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.

God: [whispers] cancelled.


ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything


just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know




[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that


When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.


In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.