Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.


Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake


Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.


Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.


Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.


[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps


Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.


*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”