@TheBeerGuy73

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

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@kyle_thatisall

If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.

@stealingyergirl

[bedtime]
Son: Can you leave the light on?
Me: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
Son: What?
Me: What?

@Cheeseboy22

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

@PleaseBeGneiss

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

@sweatsntopknots

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

@SortaBad

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

@pilau

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

@MarlonBrandNO

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

@JohnLyonTweets

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

@tehaveragejoel

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.