Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
You Might Also Like
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Discuss
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details