If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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Son: Can you leave the light on?
Me: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.