Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*