Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
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If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”