My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?