Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?