Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

You Might Also Like


Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away


911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*


I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.


Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30


There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.


I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.


Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is


Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?