Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
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Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.