Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Growing up was a huge mistake
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I love you…
…r dog.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.