agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
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Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
We need more people like this.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
🙁
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…