I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?