ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
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[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
me: nvm ur already high lol
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My mom has a habit of replying my texts with NOTED
Me:I love you
Me:Rebels have come and abducted your husband
My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
That’s me in the pantry. That’s me in the bright light, eating my Doritos.