“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Shortcut
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees