Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
🤣🤣
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.