Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
real
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
School be like
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*