“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
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[shakes fist at other fist]
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.