Nothing confuses me more than an angry stoner.
Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.
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Lube but for my dry humor.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
College is forcing yourself to eat food before it goes bad because you spent $4.99 on blueberries when you were into health for a hot sec
*duck waddles into bar
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
wonder why’s theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.
Coming soon to AMC: