Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.

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Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.


College is forcing yourself to eat food before it goes bad because you spent $4.99 on blueberries when you were into health for a hot sec


*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf


wonder why’s theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap


I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.


Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred


He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC: