I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”