“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer