@UncleDuke1969

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

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@SuperJuanderer

Me: Weaknesses? Oh, I’d say not relating well to other sentient beings.
-I meant about the janitor job.
Me: Oh ya, I don’t know how to sweep

@anniemalistics

Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.

@50FirstTates

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

@Bwomono

My mom has a habit of replying my texts with NOTED
Me:I love you
Mom: NOTED

Me:Rebels have come and abducted your husband
Mom: NOTED

@GrantTanaka

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

@ArfMeasures

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

@chuuew

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

@KateWhineHall

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.