40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
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You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
What’s so funny?
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.