Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa