*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic