Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
No, I don’t think I will.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.