Jesus steals the winter solstice
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Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.