@slimmy_shady

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

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@sannewman

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

@KatieBurnett

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

@IamJackBoot

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

@_steamy_mac

Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

@AimeeHelene1

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

@geekysteven

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

@QueenofSparta

Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.

@SCbchbum

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.