Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Ron is short for Aaronald
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Motion detecting home security camera working well!