*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
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Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.